Wonderful coffee
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
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Compliment
The best comment by the French President when he visited India last month and saw the use of railroad tracks as the national toilets: both as deposits from the trains speeding along and from assorted denizens of villages along the tracks who insist on leaving their tracks too.
He allegedly said, 'Now I understand why your railway minister is called La Loo!'
Place of SUSU
In a party a lady wanted to go to the toilet badly.
So she approached the host Santa and asked,
"Where is your SUSU place, Please show me."
Santa winked at the lady and said.
"Yea, naughty girl, First you show me your SUSU place and then I will show you mine."
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READ VERY INTERESTING
>
> >A BIHARI WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS wife for four (4)
> >years while his wife was in Patna ( Bihar ).
>At the end of 4 years he
> >distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had
> >delivered a son.
>His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this
> >'Happy event' happened when he had not seen his wife for four years... The
>
> >man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good
>
> >Samaritans) when men are away.
>The colleagues asked him, 'What name will
> >you give to the son?' The man explained, 'If its the second neighbour who
> >has taken care,then the name would be 'DWIVEDI';
>If it is the third
> >neighbour then it would be 'TRIVEDI',
>If it is the fourth neighbour then it
> >would be 'CHATURVEDI';
>If its the fifth neighbour then it would be
> >'PANDEY'...
>After listening to this, questions followed.
>What if it is a
> >mixture of neighbours? 'Then the boy would be named 'MISHRA'...
>And what if
> >the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? Then it would be
> >'SHARMA'...
>But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
> >Then the name of the child would be 'GUPTA'...
>If she does not remember the
> >name then? 'It is YAAD-AV'
>But who knows whether the child resulted from a
> >rape? Then it will be named 'DOSHI'...
>Finally, if the child happened
> >because of wife's burning desire? Then he will be named 'JOSHI'...
>And if
> >the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
>'DESHPANDEY.'
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Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will
10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.
1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.
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Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
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For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my
boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty, that I didn't wear no underwear. One
day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to
go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me."
So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me this is what he told
the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold,
but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no
underwear. That's the reason she got this cold, is on account she
don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor. So I,
like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says,
"Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'". I opened my mouth I said
'ahh'. He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no
underwear." I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph
you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "Doc, you can look down my
throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?" He said, "That's right
Soph." I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me
if my hat's on straight!"
A little boy came home from playing outside one day. He was huffying
and puffing, like he was winded. All of sudden, the boy's father heard
a kitten squalling like it was extremely uncomfortable. He turned
around and looked. Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten --
obviously no more than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied. The father asked,
"What do you mean?" "Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted
'a little pussy? ' "Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you
one!" (Ross)
A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was
sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their
wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about, and when he
explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using
the "normal" position or not at all. However, after having sex he was
unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so
small! They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to
call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After
hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I
wanted you too, we could have walked to the emergency room."
Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and
over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his
apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening
long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails,
mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that
we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
THE PUNS
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had
given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get
any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold
out?" "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this inadvertently racy testimonial from a little old lady
who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the
woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton.
But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the
best cotton-picking hoer in the county!"
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back
streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing
darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans
over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way
before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job
What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A Gladiator.
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
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