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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

28 Absolute truths....... frds are important

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 

2
.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 

3.. 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 

4.. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 

cid:1.1832304180@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

6.. 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 

7.. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

8.. 
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

cid:2.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

9.. 
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are                    missing. 

10... 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

cid:3.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
                    

13.. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

14.. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 



cid:4.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 

18
. Procrastinate Now! 

cid:5.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 

20.. 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

21.. 
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 

cid:6.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
 

23..
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 

24
.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 

cid:7.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 

cid:8.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
 
27.. 
The trouble with life is there's no background music

cid:9.1832304181@web65614.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. 

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! 

Life is too short and friends are too few!

 

How to ask your boss for a salary increase

Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)

Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)

 

 

 

 

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?

 


"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 


He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

 

And they say woman are dumb...

 


**********

 

 

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

 


The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

 


**********

 

 
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

 


"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 


**********

 


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

 


A: A rumor

 


**********

 


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

 


The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

 


The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

 


Gotta love that fairy!

 


**********

 


Dear Lord,

 


I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

 

AMEN

 


**********

 


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

 

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

 

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 


**********

 


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

 

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

 


**********

 


Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

 

Childlike innocence...

TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!! 

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.  The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

 

No God or Know God?

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem Science has with God, The Almighty.

 


He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

 

Prof: So you believe in God?

 

Student: Absolutely, sir.

 


Prof: Is God good?

 

Student: Sure.

 


Prof: Is God all-powerful?

 

Student: Yes.

 


Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.

 


Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.)

 


Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?

 

Student: Yes.

 


Prof: Is Satan good?

 

Student: No.

 


Prof: Where does Satan come from?

 

Student: From...God.. .

 


Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

 

Student: Yes.

 


Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

 

Student: Yes.

 


Prof: So who created evil?

 

(Student does not answer.)

 

 

 

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

 

Student: Yes, sir.

 

 

 

Prof: So, who created them?

 

(Student has no answer.)

 

 

 

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

 

Student: No, sir.

 

 

 

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

 

Student: No, sir.

 


Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

 

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

 

 

 

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

 

Student: Yes.

 

 

 

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

 

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

 

 

 

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

 

 

 

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

 

Prof: Yes.

 

 

 

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

 

Prof: Yes.

 

 

 

Student: No sir. There isn't.

 


(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

 

 

 

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat,

 


But we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.

 


Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

 

 

 

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

 


Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

 

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

 

 

 

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.

 


If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

 

 

 

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

 

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

 

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

 

 

 

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.

 


Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

 


To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

 


Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

 

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

 


(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

 

 

 

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

 


(The class is in uproar.)

 


Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

 


(The class breaks out into laughter.)

 


Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.

 


With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

 

 

 

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

 

 

 

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

 


Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH.

 

That is all that keeps things moving & alive..................

 

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
 
 
 
 
 

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
 

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
 

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
 
 
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
 
 
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
 
 
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
 

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
 
 
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Once Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...

Once Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...
1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number
56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in the second house beside
zamzam cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road.

 


2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre
workshop, food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science
show or an automobile convention.

 


3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves
Chinese delicacies such as " Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten
Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".

 


4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for
directions,whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or
Moosapet.

 


5. You come across tailors sporting the board: 'Immidiot delivery in
two days onli'.

 


6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.

 


7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Aam ka achaar' (avakaya) even if you are
sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese,
Mexican, Italian and Lebanese cuisines.

 


8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.

 


9. You have at least one Srinivas, Prasad, Raju, Rao or Venkatesh
within six square feet. OR you have at least one cousin, friend,
colleague or acquaintance with these names.

 


10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in
the US in software.

 


11. Every time somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first
thing you ask them is 'Party kab hain ?'

 


12. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before
three hu ndred years.

 


13. You call 11 AM as subah subah.

 


14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab' ( dimakh thintaadu , saale gadu)

 


15. And it doesn't matter where in the "Gulf/middle east" you are
leaving you always tell you are going to "Dubai ". (I know of one
family who still keep telling everyone their son is in "uno Dubai mein
hai" but he is physically in Yemen for the past 5 years. J]

 


16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.

 


17. You look at the fixed pr ice stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'

 


18. If you do not eat rice at least once a day you will die.(Nothing
other than Rice is considered as a meal)

 


19. You feel offended by someone looking at you (Kaiku ghoor raa be?)

 


20. You think you are a born shayer and use some typical filmi batein
in stylish urdu and crack some romantic jokes.

 


21. While someone does the above, you say to yourself 'chubbe saale
,mooh dekh aaine mein, tere ku kaun pat thi, pataaney waala tho main
hi hoon'

 


22. You can say the typical "Light le le baap" (light teesko) and be cool without
analyzing what the situation is.

 


23. You feel its legal and your Nizami birth right to show your hand
and stop the traffic (better than a traffic police) while you cross
the road whenever and wherever you like.

 


24. You can hang out in a Irani cafe the whole day after ordering one
cup tea and a empty saucer for yourself and your dear friend and you
chat like thats the last day with each other.

 


25. You eat Paradise Biryani or bawarchi Biryani atleast once in a month

 


26. You go to the Petrol Bunk and say "Panch Point Single Oil maaro
yaaro" and hand over 15 bucks.

 


27. You can relate the words ' naako', ' houllegadu' ' 'Kaiku' ,'hallu' and make
these the integral part of your vocabulary.

 


28. You tell your friend that you will 'just come back' ("abbhi aathu
mein") and your friend knows that you will take a couple of hours or
not come back at all.

 


29. You end up watching every movie you come across , and end up
saying oh! that was good , but it could be better if it was made that
way

 


30. You are reading this and secretly admitting that you are, after
all, a true blue Hyderabadi [J] You know one thing.....
Apna Hyderabad tho Apna Hyderabad hai..

 

Monday, September 29, 2008

HOT Chocolate

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired.

 

During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives.

 

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

 

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

 

The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

 

What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

 

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups.

 

They are just tools to hold and contain life.

 

The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have.

 

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

 

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate.

 

 

LITTLE BOBBY ( Confessions of a Kid )

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

 


His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

 


Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

 


Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

 

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

 


Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

 

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

 

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

 

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

 

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

 

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 


**************

 


Letter 1

 


Dear God,

 

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

 

I want a red one.

 

Your friend,

 

Bobby

 


**************

 


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

 

So he tore up the letter and started over.

 


**************

 


Letter 2

 


Dear God,

 


This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

 

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

 


Your friend,

 

Bobby

 


**************

 


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

 


**************

 


Letter 3

 


Dear God,

 


I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

 


Bobby

 


**************

 


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

 


**************

 


Letter 4

 


God,

 


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

 

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

 

Please! Thank you,

 


Bobby

 


**************

 


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

 

 

 

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

 

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

 

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.

 


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

 

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

 

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

 

 

 

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.

 


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

 


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

 


Bobby began to write his letter to God.

 


**************

 


Letter 5

 


God,

 


I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

 


**************

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