Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, Sir. May I see your ticket ?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for ?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not ?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you ?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! that will be $10, please.
Passenger: What ?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right - you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt.
We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10..
Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if! you don 't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not ? Is he going to shoot me ?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here - take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you ?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it ?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air ?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar ?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter ? Whatever will I do with it ?
Attendant: Hang on to it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
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