3 Easy Ways to Die :
Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.
Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.
Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.
1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2.. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.
4.. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman..
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
6.. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
8.. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.
Monday, March 31, 2008
So Funny
watch what u ask for
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story...
Men might be ungrateful idiots ... But fairies are...female.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Its All About Birthdays
Every year the special day comes. The most anticipated day of the year for any of us. Its our birthday. A day of joy and celebration. A day of gifts, a day of extra love from everybody. A day when we are the most special individual and treated as if we were the Queen or Prince of England. So here are some interesting facts that has something to do with birthdays.
Firstly, although we might celebrate our birthday every year, our actual birthday only occurs once every 7 years! Not counting leaping years, the date we were born on moves each year to the following day of the week. For example, if we were born on Saturday March 15th, the following year, March 15th will fall on a Sunday, the year after on a Monday, and so on. This means our annual celebration is actually for our birth date - not our birthday - and in truth our birthday (the actual day we were born on) occurs only every 7 years!
Here are some Country facts relating to birthdays :-
In England, when a person reaches 80, 90 or 100 years, the person receives a telegram from the Queen.
Until quite recently, most Japanese children used to celebrate their birthdays on January 1st, regardless of which day of the year they were actually born on. Today however, most Japanese children celebrate on their actual birthdays. Also in Japan, usually only the birthdays of 60, 70, 79, 88, and 99 rate gifts. Also, gifts consisting of less than ten items in a set should be given in odd numbers (tea cups are sold in sets of five). Avoid the numbers 4 and 9 in general. White gift-wrap is associated with death (so is four of something).
In Korea, on a child's first birthday, the birthday child is dressed in special clothes. The friends and family all visit for a big feast, and leave money for the child. The child's future is foretold by the items it picks up. Also, the two most important birthdays are the 100th day and the 60th year.
In Denmark, when it's somebody's birthday a flag is flown outside the window. For children's birthdays, the presents are placed around the child's bed while they are sleeping, so they will see the presents as soon as they awake!
In Mexico, a piñata, made from paper mache and filled with sweets or other treats, is made in the shape of an animal. It is hung from the ceiling by a rope, and the birthday child is blindfolded, and hits the piñata with a stick, until it cracks open. Once the piñata is broken open, all the children share the treats.
In Russia, instead of a Birthday Cake, many Russian children are given a Birthday Pie! Instead of using icing to spell a message, Russian Birthday Pies have the message carved into the pie crust.
In Ireland, the birthday child is lifted by hands and feet, and "bumped" on the floor for good luck. The number of bumps given is the age of the child, plus one for luck!
Germans take birthdays seriously, sometimes receiving a half-day of vacation. Flowers and wine are common gifts among friends.
In China, small birthday gifts are given by family and friends. Age 30 is considered becoming an adult (there's quite a celebration). For men, age 60 is usually combined with retirement (for those doing physical labor). Do not give clocks as gifts (the Mandarin word for clock is similar to one for death). Avoid wrapping the gift using white, black or blue colors.
The French and Italian celebrate Name Days more so than birthdays.
In India, black and white gift-wrapping is considered unlucky.
In the Islamic world, green is a good color to use for wrapping.
Strange Birthday Facts :-
Since your last birthday 31,536,000 seconds have passed. In the past year your hair will most likely have grown 12 cm and your nail about 4 cm. Your heart beats at a rate of around of 72 to 80 beats per minute - since your last birthday it will have beat about 42,075,900 times. You breath at a rate of about 30 breaths per minute so, since your last birthday you have taken approximately 15,768,000 breaths. The volume of blood in your body is approximately 5 litres. The heart pumps about 280 litres of blood around your body every hour - that's 2,688,000 litres per year! The average garden snail (not one that has entered the Olympics 100 meters race) moves at around 0.03 mph. If one set out on your last birthday, and walked non-stop it would have traveled 263 miles. If you walked this distance non-stop you would complete it in around three days. Since your last birthday you will have had about 1,460 dreams. World population has grown by around 76,570,430 since your last birthday. In the time it takes you to read this another five babies will have been born. During the past year there have been more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world. The Earth is zooming around the sun at around 66,780 miles per hour! Since your last birthday the Earth has completed one journey around the sun traveling about 584,337,600 miles. If you counted 24 hours a day, you would be over 31,000 years old when you reach one trillion!
Cake, Candles, Balloons And Parties
There are a few possible explanations as to why we have candles on birthday cakes, nobody is completely sure how the tradition started. One possible reason is because the ancient Greeks used to take cakes (round to represent the full moon) to the temple of their goddess of the moon, Artemis. The Greeks are said to have placed candles on the cake to make it look as if it was glowing like the moon. It has also been claimed that the Germans invented birthday cakes, and celebrated birthdays with a cake called "Geburtstagorten". The Germans were known to have been skilled candlemakers and may have put small candles on their cakes, possibly for religious reasons. The tradition of sending birthday cards started in England about 100 years ago. Originally cards were often sent as an "apology" when a person couldn't visit somebody in person. Today we often sent birthday cards even if we can! The earliest birthday parties in history were held because people thought that evil spirits would visit them on their birthdays. They stayed close to their family and friends for protection. Later parties became social gatherings where friends and family would bring gifts or flowers to the person having their birthday. Today birthday parties are held just for fun! The first balloons are believed to have been children's toys, made from animal bladders and/or intestines, often filled with water. The Aztecs used to blow air into the bowels of sacrificed cats and twisted them into animal shapes and presented these to the gods as a sacrifice. Toy balloons were introduced by pioneer rubber manufacturer Thomas Hancock.
Trivia :-
More people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month (about 9% of all people). The two other months that rate high for birthdays are July and September. A recent survey suggests that more people are born on October 5 in the United States than any other day. October 5 holds a not-so-surprising significance, as conception would have fallen on New Year's Eve. The least common birth date in the U.S. is May 22nd. A Golden Birthday happens only once in a person's lifetime. It happens when the person's age and the date of the day they were born is the same.
To sum it all up. After reading this facts our next birthday will be more special. Happy Birthday to all of you in advance.
Please Try to Answers......
Even if u answer **five** questions its great...Feel proud...
1. What programming language is GOOGLE developed in?
2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?
3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?
4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?
7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot - India 210/3 with
Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two different countries?
9. From what four word expression does the word `goodbye` derive?
10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from international
cricket and later represented Zimbabwe ?
15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?
16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by only one country
(other than Vatican )?
17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?
HERE ARE THE ANSWERS
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Answers :
1. Google is written in Asynchronous java-script and XML, or its acronym Ajax ..
2. Yet Another Hierarchy of Officious Oracle
3. ADIDAS- All Day I Dream About Sports
4. Satellite Television Asian Region
5. Industrial credit and Investments Corporation of India
6. A baker's dozen consists of 13 items - 1 more than the items in a normal dozen
7. That match was abandoned after people heard the news of Indira Gandhi being killed.
8. Rabindranath Tagore who wrote national anthem for two different countries one is our
's National anthem and another one is for Bangladesh- (Amar Sonar* *Bangla)
9. Goodbye comes from the ex-pression: 'god be with you'.
10. Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is none other Mother Teresa.
11. South Korea ..
12. Because 007 is the ISD code for Russia (or the USSR , as it was known during the cold
war)
13. Geoffrey Boycott
14. John Traicos
15. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln
16. Lesotho surrounded from all sides by South Africa ..
17. Polo.
Glitter Graphics
Friday, March 28, 2008
Girl Fr iends& Man are Like.....
Girl Friends
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
Equation
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
here are two things to aim in life, first to get what you want,
second is to enjoy what you got.
Man
Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Commercial s. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Crystal. Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like......Dry cleaners. Most work fast and leave no ring.
Men are like … Fragments of soap they get together in bars
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like......Horoscope s. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like......Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like......Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like....Newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
Men are like ... old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like .. plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like… Weather. Nothing can be done to change them
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Anger Management really works--
For all your reading pleasure..one of my favorites!
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my
desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number
and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris.
May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with
her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the
Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,
when I had a problem, I had the two assholes to call. But after several
months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came
up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street , ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house,
with my black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said...again, without hanging up.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street , and that I was on my way home to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going
down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!
Here are some things you may not know......
1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
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4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
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14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
History. "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great;
" Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" - Julius Caesar.
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15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
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17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
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18. Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
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19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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20. A snail can sleep for three years.
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21. All polar bears are left handed.
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22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
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23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
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24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
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25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
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29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
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30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
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31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
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32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
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33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
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34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
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35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
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37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Know about Sunsigns - Libra
As per the astrological traditions, the sun sign of a person is that particular zodiac sign in which the Sun was, at the time of his/her birth. The ecliptic, the apparent path through which the Sun passes in the sky, is divided into twelve equal parts and each of the part comprises of a separate zodiac/astrological sign. When the sun enters a particular sign in which it will spend the whole month, that zodiac sign becomes the sun sign or star sign for that month. In sun sign astrology, the placements of only those planets are taken in account, which affect the Sun.
Each of the star signs is associated with a different symbol and represents the zodiac sign in which the Sun was at the time of a person's birth. The description of a sun sign provides information about the basic personality traits of person who is born under that sign. Sun rules willpower and ego and the sun signs tell us about the uniqueness of an individual, who he is and what he is about to become. In the following lines, we have provided the basic description of all the sun signs (star signs), along with their symbols and meaning.
24th September to 23rd October
The zodiac sign of Libra has the symbol of 'The Balance'. Check out the characteristic profile & personality traits of a Libran.
Symbol: The Balance
Ruling Planet: Venus
Quality: Cardinal
Element: Air
Basic Trait: I Balance
Closest Metal: Copper
Lucky Day: Friday
Lucky Colors: Pastel shades of Pink and Blue
Lucky Gems: Lapis Lazuli, Cornelian and Sapphire
Lucky Flowers: Daisies and Daffodils
| Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Patient and balanced | Indecisive |
| Gregarious and sociable | May become careless |
| Loving and affectionate | Prone to indulgence |
| Cheerful and energetic | Emotional and sensitive |
Libra, The Balance, is the seventh sign of the zodiac. The first and foremost personality trait you will notice about a Libran is his politeness. He loves people and hates to be rude to anyone. However, crowds do not attract him. A Libran is extremely good at solving a quarrel between two people quite amicably. On the other hand, he always enjoys having a good-natured argument himself. As per the Libra characteristic profile, the people born under this zodiac sign are usually very pleasant, cheerful and friendly.
One thing that ticks off a Libran is taking orders. You order him around and he will become the sulkiest person on this earth. As you try to give a typical description of the Libran personalities, you will find a number of inconsistencies in them. On one hand, Librans are very intelligent, on the other; they may be amazingly naive and susceptible. They talk too much, but are patient listeners too. They come across as restless, but seldom seem to be in a hurry. Confused? Don't worry; they are as confused about this contradictory behavior as you are.
A Libran will be composed, balanced, lovable, courteous and amiable half of the time. In the other half, he will be exasperating, irritable, inflexible, fidgety, unhappy and mystified. He is always tipping to one side or the other, till the perfect balance is achieved. Librans have a very captivating smile, which can easily melt your heart. Even their laughter rings with gaiety and seems to brighten up even the dullest of surroundings. They are very delightful when their mind in a balanced state. However, a Libra mind is prone to fickleness.
He is always weighing the pros and cons of a situation and finds it very difficult to form the perfect, balanced, opinion. He has this annoying habit of starting an argument just for the heck of it. You may have heard that Librans are lazy, but in this case also, there is a contradiction. They will keep on working for weeks, even months, at a time, managing on four-hours sleep everyday. Then, suddenly, they will feel completely exhausted and go into the laziness spell. Once this happens, it is impossible to even make them move a limb.
After sometime, a Libran will again be his energetic self and be out of the door even before you can say bye. However, it does not mean that he has a dual nature. It's just that he needs the lazy spell to regain his lost energy. As far as his emotions are concerned, he may become too sentimental one moment, turn sarcastic the other moment and become extremely cheerful in the very next. Again, it's not their dual personality, but a Libran's constant need to experience different emotion at different points of time.
Infact, his personality is a mix of kindheartedness, softness, equality, indecisiveness, theoretical logic and inability to take orders. He also loves to argument, especially when someone passes general statements. A Libran can take both the sides of an argument by turns, and win at both. Infact, he can even switch sides in the middle of the argument. However, behind all this argumentativeness is the constant urge to be fair and impartial, to look at both the sides of the coin, making him seem indecisive.
However, don't get impatient when a Libran is making up his mind. He hates impatience and it can make him extremely stubborn. He is very honest and does not like showing off. Librans love books and have the ability of concentrating and thinking over the deepest of subjects. They are very much impressed as well as influenced by the harmony of art forms. A Libran is artistic at heart and loves soft light, melodious music, intelligent conversation, good food and fine wines. He has a combination of intelligence, generosity, fairness and the need to be balanced.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Few Good Jokes
Wonderful coffee
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
*******
Compliment
The best comment by the French President when he visited India last month and saw the use of railroad tracks as the national toilets: both as deposits from the trains speeding along and from assorted denizens of villages along the tracks who insist on leaving their tracks too.
He allegedly said, 'Now I understand why your railway minister is called La Loo!'
Place of SUSU
In a party a lady wanted to go to the toilet badly.
So she approached the host Santa and asked,
"Where is your SUSU place, Please show me."
Santa winked at the lady and said.
"Yea, naughty girl, First you show me your SUSU place and then I will show you mine."
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READ VERY INTERESTING
>
> >A BIHARI WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS wife for four (4)
> >years while his wife was in Patna ( Bihar ).
>At the end of 4 years he
> >distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had
> >delivered a son.
>His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this
> >'Happy event' happened when he had not seen his wife for four years... The
>
> >man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good
>
> >Samaritans) when men are away.
>The colleagues asked him, 'What name will
> >you give to the son?' The man explained, 'If its the second neighbour who
> >has taken care,then the name would be 'DWIVEDI';
>If it is the third
> >neighbour then it would be 'TRIVEDI',
>If it is the fourth neighbour then it
> >would be 'CHATURVEDI';
>If its the fifth neighbour then it would be
> >'PANDEY'...
>After listening to this, questions followed.
>What if it is a
> >mixture of neighbours? 'Then the boy would be named 'MISHRA'...
>And what if
> >the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? Then it would be
> >'SHARMA'...
>But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
> >Then the name of the child would be 'GUPTA'...
>If she does not remember the
> >name then? 'It is YAAD-AV'
>But who knows whether the child resulted from a
> >rape? Then it will be named 'DOSHI'...
>Finally, if the child happened
> >because of wife's burning desire? Then he will be named 'JOSHI'...
>And if
> >the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
>'DESHPANDEY.'
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Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will
10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.
1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.
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Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
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For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my
boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty, that I didn't wear no underwear. One
day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to
go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me."
So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me this is what he told
the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold,
but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no
underwear. That's the reason she got this cold, is on account she
don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor. So I,
like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says,
"Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'". I opened my mouth I said
'ahh'. He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no
underwear." I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph
you ain't wearing no underwear." I said, "Doc, you can look down my
throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?" He said, "That's right
Soph." I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me
if my hat's on straight!"
A little boy came home from playing outside one day. He was huffying
and puffing, like he was winded. All of sudden, the boy's father heard
a kitten squalling like it was extremely uncomfortable. He turned
around and looked. Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten --
obviously no more than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied. The father asked,
"What do you mean?" "Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted
'a little pussy? ' "Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you
one!" (Ross)
A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was
sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their
wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about, and when he
explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using
the "normal" position or not at all. However, after having sex he was
unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so
small! They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to
call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After
hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I
wanted you too, we could have walked to the emergency room."
Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and
over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his
apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening
long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails,
mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that
we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
THE PUNS
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had
given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get
any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold
out?" "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this inadvertently racy testimonial from a little old lady
who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the
woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton.
But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the
best cotton-picking hoer in the county!"
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back
streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing
darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans
over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way
before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job
What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A Gladiator.
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
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Impact of job change
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit
a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a
shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out
of me!".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead
Bodies for the last 25 years.......