1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
28 Absolute truths....... frds are important
How to ask your boss for a salary increase
How to ask your boss for a salary increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing MO$t de$perately.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean
Manager
Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)
Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say woman are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
Childlike innocence...
TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
No God or Know God?
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem Science has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God.. .
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)
With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive..................
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Once Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...
5. You come across tailors sporting the board: 'Immidiot delivery in
two days onli'.
6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.
8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.
10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in
the US in software.
12. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before
three hu ndred years.
13. You call 11 AM as subah subah.
14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab' ( dimakh thintaadu , saale gadu)
16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.
17. You look at the fixed pr ice stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'
19. You feel offended by someone looking at you (Kaiku ghoor raa be?)
25. You eat Paradise Biryani or bawarchi Biryani atleast once in a month
26. You go to the Petrol Bunk and say "Panch Point Single Oil maaro
yaaro" and hand over 15 bucks.
27. You can relate the words ' naako', ' houllegadu' ' 'Kaiku' ,'hallu' and make
these the integral part of your vocabulary.
Monday, September 29, 2008
HOT Chocolate
During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives.
Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just tools to hold and contain life.
The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate.
LITTLE BOBBY ( Confessions of a Kid )
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
So he tore up the letter and started over.
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!
**************