Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "
Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
Don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
Teacher in a furious mood... Write down ur name and father of ur name!!
Love Humor? Join our Group Funzug!
"shhh... Quiet... The principal is revolving around college"
My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"
"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
"will u hang that calender or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
Friday, October 31, 2008
Killing English in a New Way ( Jokes )
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Truth OF LIFE
Woman
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Bill Gates After Death !!!!
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"
Daddy
HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES:
At 4 Years
My daddy is great.
At 6 Years
My daddy knows everybody.
At 10 Years
My daddy is good but is short tempered
At 12 Years
My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.
At 14 Years
My daddy is getting fastidious.
At 16 Years
My daddy is not in line with the current times.
At 18 Years
My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.
At 20 Years
Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mother puts up with him.
At 25 Years
Daddy is objecting to everything.
At 30 Years
It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.
At 40 Years
Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do the same.
At 45 Years
I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.
At 50 Years
My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son.
At 55 Years
My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique.
At 60 Years
My daddy is great.
Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st. stage. Realize the true value of your parents before its too late
Girls.....must read...........
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Friday, October 24, 2008
Chinese to Chinese>>>>>>>
Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator...
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….
Marriage Proposal
Dear Ms. ABCDEFGHI,
Baby, I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train
platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For
long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can
be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never
produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only
beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives
power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you
looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running
smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before
*/.
With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we
linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary
for a human being to live an error free life.
Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by
our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately
break their security
passwords and make them agree for our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database
so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this
happened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all
privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ Software Professional
Latest Population Ranking: 2008
$ .,.,. Countries and Areas Ranked by Population: 2008 .,.,. $
-------------------------------------------------------- Rank Country or Area Population -------------------------------------------------------- 1 China 1,330,044,605 2 India 1,147,995,898 3 United States 303,824,646 4 Indonesia 237,512,355 5 Brazil 196,342,587 6 Pakistan 172,800,051 7 Bangladesh 153,546,901 8 Nigeria 146,255,306 9 Russia 140,702,094 10 Japan 127,288,419 11 Mexico 109,955,400 12 Philippines 96,061,683 13 Vietnam 86,116,559 14 Ethiopia 82,544,838 15 Germany 82,369,548 16 Egypt 81,713,517 17 Turkey 71,892,807 18 Congo (Kinshasa) 66,514,506 19 Iran 65,875,223 20 Thailand 65,493,298 21 France 64,057,790 22 United Kingdom 60,943,912 23 Italy 58,145,321 24 South Africa 48,782,755 25 Korea, South 48,379,392 26 Burma 47,758,181 27 Ukraine 45,994,287 28 Colombia 45,013,674 29 Spain 40,491,051 30 Argentina 40,481,998 31 Sudan 40,218,455 32 Tanzania 40,213,162 33 Poland 38,500,696 34 Kenya 37,953,838 35 Morocco 34,343,219 36 Algeria 33,769,669 37 Canada 33,212,696 38 Afghanistan 32,738,376 39 Uganda 31,367,972 40 Nepal 29,519,114 41 Peru 29,180,899 42 Iraq 28,221,181 43 Saudi Arabia 28,146,657 44 Uzbekistan 27,345,026 45 Venezuela 26,414,815 46 Malaysia 25,274,133 47 Korea, North 23,479,089 48 Ghana 23,382,848 49 Yemen 23,013,376 50 Taiwan 22,920,946 51 Romania 22,246,862 52 Mozambique 21,284,701 53 Sri Lanka 21,128,773 54 Australia 21,007,310 55 Cote d'Ivoire 20,179,602 56 Madagascar 20,042,551 57 Syria 19,747,586 58 Cameroon 18,467,692 59 Netherlands 16,645,313 60 Chile 16,454,143 61 Kazakhstan 15,340,533 62 Burkina Faso 15,264,735 63 Cambodia 14,241,640 64 Malawi 13,931,831 65 Ecuador 13,927,650 66 Niger 13,272,679 67 Guatemala 13,002,206 68 Senegal 12,853,259 69 Angola 12,531,357 70 Mali 12,324,029 71 Zambia 11,669,534 72 Cuba 11,423,952 73 Zimbabwe 11,350,111 74 Greece 10,722,816 75 Portugal 10,676,910 76 Belgium 10,403,951 77 Tunisia 10,383,577 78 Czech Republic 10,220,911 79 Rwanda 10,186,063 80 Serbia 10,159,046 81 Chad 10,111,337 82 Hungary 9,930,915 83 Guinea 9,806,509 84 Belarus 9,685,768 85 Somalia 9,558,666 86 Dominican Republic 9,507,133 87 Bolivia 9,247,816 88 Sweden 9,045,389 89 Haiti 8,924,553 90 Burundi 8,691,005 91 Benin 8,532,547 92 Austria 8,205,533 93 Azerbaijan 8,177,717 94 Honduras 7,639,327 95 Switzerland 7,581,520 96 Bulgaria 7,262,675 97 Tajikistan 7,211,884 98 Israel 7,112,359 99 El Salvador 7,066,403 100 Hong Kong S.A.R. 7,018,636 101 Paraguay 6,831,306 102 Laos 6,677,534 103 Sierra Leone 6,294,774 104 Jordan 6,198,677 105 Libya 6,173,579 106 Papua New Guinea 5,931,769 107 Togo 5,858,673 108 Nicaragua 5,785,846 109 Eritrea 5,502,026 110 Denmark 5,484,723 111 Slovakia 5,455,407 112 Kyrgyzstan 5,356,869 113 Finland 5,244,749 114 Turkmenistan 5,179,571 115 Norway 4,644,457 116 Georgia 4,630,841 117 United Arab Emirates 4,621,399 118 Singapore 4,608,167 119 Bosnia and Herzegovina 4,590,310 120 Croatia 4,491,543 121 Central African Republic 4,444,330 122 Moldova 4,324,450 123 Costa Rica 4,195,914 124 New Zealand 4,173,460 125 Ireland 4,156,119 126 Lebanon 3,971,941 127 Puerto Rico 3,958,128 128 Congo (Brazzaville) 3,903,318 129 Albania 3,619,778 130 Lithuania 3,565,205 131 Uruguay 3,477,778 132 Mauritania 3,364,940 133 Liberia 3,334,587 134 Oman 3,311,640 135 Panama 3,309,679 136 Mongolia 2,996,081 137 Armenia 2,968,586 138 Jamaica 2,804,332 139 Kuwait 2,596,799 140 West Bank 2,407,681 141 Latvia 2,245,423 142 Lesotho 2,128,180 143 Namibia 2,088,669 144 Macedonia 2,061,315 145 Slovenia 2,007,711 146 Botswana 1,842,323 147 Gambia, The 1,735,464 148 Guinea-Bissau 1,503,182 149 Gaza Strip 1,500,202 150 Gabon 1,485,832 151 Estonia 1,307,605 152 Mauritius 1,274,189 153 Swaziland 1,128,814 154 Timor-Leste 1,108,777 155 Trinidad and Tobago 1,047,366 156 Fiji 931,741 157 Qatar 824,789 158 Cyprus 792,604 159 Guyana 770,794 160 Comoros 731,775 161 Bahrain 718,306 162 Bhutan 682,321 163 Montenegro 678,177 164 Equatorial Guinea 616,459 165 Solomon Islands 581,318 166 Macau S.A.R. 545,674 167 Djibouti 506,221 168 Luxembourg 486,006 169 Suriname 475,996 170 Cape Verde 426,998 171 Malta 403,532 172 Western Sahara 393,831 173 Maldives 385,925 174 Brunei 381,371 175 Bahamas, The 307,451 176 Iceland 304,367 177 Belize 301,270 178 French Polynesia 283,019 179 Barbados 281,968 180 Netherlands Antilles 225,369 181 New Caledonia 224,824 182 Samoa 217,083 183 Mayotte 216,306 184 Vanuatu 215,446 185 Sao Tome and Principe 206,178 186 Guam 175,877 187 Saint Lucia 159,585 188 Tonga 119,009 189 Saint Vincent and the Grenadines 118,432 190 Kiribati 110,356 191 Virgin Islands, U.S. 109,840 192 Micronesia, Federated States of 107,665 193 Aruba 101,541 194 Jersey 91,533 195 Grenada 90,343 196 Northern Mariana Islands 86,616 197 Antigua and Barbuda 84,522 198 Andorra 82,627 199 Seychelles 82,247 200 Isle of Man 76,220 201 Dominica 72,514 202 Bermuda 66,536 203 Guernsey 65,726 204 American Samoa 64,827 205 Marshall Islands 63,174 206 Greenland 57,564 207 Faroe Islands 48,668 208 Cayman Islands 47,862 209 Saint Kitts and Nevis 39,817 210 Liechtenstein 34,498 211 Monaco 32,796 212 San Marino 29,973 213 Saint Martin 29,376 214 Gibraltar 28,002 215 Virgin Islands, British 24,041 216 Turks and Caicos Islands 22,352 217 Palau 21,093 218 Wallis and Futuna 15,237 219 Anguilla 14,108 220 Nauru 13,770 221 Cook Islands 12,271 222 Tuvalu 12,177 223 Saint Helena 7,601 224 Saint Barthelemy 7,492 225 Saint Pierre and Miquelon 7,044 226 Montserrat 5,079 Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Management Lessons
A Professor at a Managment Institute was explaining marketing concepts to the Students
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
- You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
- You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
- You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's Demand and Supply Gap - You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's Competition eating into your Market Share
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" & your wife arrives. - That's Restriction for entering New Markets
HR IN HELL
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
__._,_.___
The 7 Habits of Man & Woma
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
DISCLAIMER:- This email is confidential and intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above and may contain information that is privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is strictly prohibited. If you have received this email in error, please notify us immediately by return email or telephone and destroy the original message. Thank you.
Kind Lawyers
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat
grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the
lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree'.
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass
is almost 1 metre high!'
Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
An intelligent love letter
Intelligent Lover's Love Letter
This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.... However, the girl's
father does not like him and want them to stop their
relationship...... and so... The boy wrote this letter to the girl..
he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter..
1 'The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend.'
So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to 'READ BETWEEN THE LINES', meaning-only to read
1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd No.'s) go read it once again but the Odd Number
lines..
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Illogical ........
Students secures lower grades in the externals, after looking at the mark sheet he asks professor.
Student : "Can you answer any question ? " .
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
THE BEST OF THE WORST!!!!
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
'Take me to Detroit,' he demanded.
'We're already going to Detroit,' she replied.
'Oh ... good,' he said, and sat down again.
------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!!
------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- ------
LAWYERS Vs INSURANCE
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the 'fires.'
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
MAMA'S BIBLE - FUNNY
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama
The second said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The third said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks, anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."