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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law



You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.


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Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.


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Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.


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Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.


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If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.


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The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.


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The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.


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An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.


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Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.


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All great discoveries are made by mistake.


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Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.


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Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.


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All's well that ends.


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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.


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The first myth of management is that it exists.


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A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.


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New systems generate new problems.


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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


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We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.


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Any given program, when running, is obsolete.


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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.


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A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.


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The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.


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Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.


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Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.


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The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.


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To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.


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After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.


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Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.


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A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.


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If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.


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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.


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Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."


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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.


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If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.


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The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.


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In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.


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Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.


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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.


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The only perfect science is hind-sight.


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Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.


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If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.


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If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.


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When all else fails, read the instructions.


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If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.


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Everything that goes up must come down.


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Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.


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Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.


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Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.


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The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.


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Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

 

 

Explanations............ (Good Jokes)

1. Losing all your friends 
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
 
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
 
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
 
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
 
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! ' 

6. Anger management?
 
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' 
Husband: 'How does that help?' 
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .' 

 

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Non-veg Again - Not to miss

Q : What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?

A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.


Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?

A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.


Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they are tired of using their own.


Q: What's common between men and video?

A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble


Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.

7 qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful,

Responsible

Energetic

Adorable

Sweet

Truthful and

Self-Organized.

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S


Q: Who is a gynecologist ?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.


Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.


Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.


Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.


Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.


Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?

The boy's hand......


Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?

The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"


Last but not least

 
Secret of long life...

Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs..

 

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

* You can achieve a "Runn ers High" by sitting up.

* The Sun is too loud.

* Trees begin chasing you.

*You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can hear mimes.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things becomes "Very Clear".

* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

* Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.

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Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanubutter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!

 

http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/speckled-dots-line.gif 
Simple Prostate Exam
cid:1.2598149886@web65505.mail.ac4.yahoo.com

 

 

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

Monday, December 1, 2008

Steep Lawyer

A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?

Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

 

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