Point of View

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense.

 

corporate world.........

1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly...

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.

Smart dog A/C

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down
towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later,
and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four
ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all
of My hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to
his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and
Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick,
Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out
of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks
Are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a
Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill
Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT.
That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could
fucking shake a stick at ."

27 One-Liners

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.   

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.   

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.   

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

 

Wonderful Slogans

# Sign on a railway station at Patna :   

Aana free, jaana free,  pakde gaye to khana free.   

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :   

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.   She may be your grandmother!   

# Seen on a bulletin board:   

Success is relative  - More the success, more the relatives.   

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :   

We need your heads to run our business.   

# A traffic slogan:   

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....   

#THE BEST ONE :   

It's God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations   

It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."   

   - Indian Armed Forces -

 

Why Employees Hide Their Skills

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man, "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

No, no, pleaded the dog. Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well.

 

see the guts of Indian Trainees...!!!!!!

SEE THE GUTS
On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different
nations were traveling with their Trainee guys.  They started an argument on whose Trainee
engineer had more guts.  
The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take around swimming around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!" *
Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, "See the guts!" *
Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The Trainee promptly replied, " Why the hell should I ? ? ? You do that "
The PM proudly said, ** "See the guts!" ** 

 

Gather all Information

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the

first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could

speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a

big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful

vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chili sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

MORAL: Gather All Required Information Before Working On Any Project...

 

Beware the Perks after a Lousy Performance

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."

 

Explanations............ (Good Jokes)

1. Losing all your friends 
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted 
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE 
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period 
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential 
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! ' 

6. Anger management? 
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' 
Husband: 'How does that help?' 
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .' 

Ticket Please

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

 At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.   

How are you going to travel on a single ticket?. asked a lawyer.   

Wait and watch,. answered one of the engineers.   

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived.

He knocked on the toilet door and asked, .Ticket please.. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.   

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn.t buy any. .How are you going to travel without a ticket?. asked one of the perplexed lawyers.   

Wait and watch,. answered an engineer.   

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby.

Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.   

He knocked on the door and said, .Ticket, please.. 

 

WHAT AN IDEA!

20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

 

1. It's an incentive to show up.

 

2. It reduces stress.

 

3. It leads to more honest communications.

 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

 

8. It encourages carpooling.

 

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

 

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

 

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

 

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

 

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

 

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

 

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

 

20. It's obviously a good idea ..

21 Things to Do when a Tele Marketer Calls

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1.       If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2.       If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3.       If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4.       If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5.       Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6.       Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7.       If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8.       If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9.       After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10.   Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11.   Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12.   Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13.   Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

14.   Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15.   Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

16.   Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17.   Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

18.   Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19.   Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder... louder... louder...

20.   Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

21.   Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

 

Jumping to Conclusions

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went.

Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

 

True Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

Do You Know Your Wife

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

 

A Different Set of Rules

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

 

Doubts Unanswered

1.       If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.       When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3.       What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.       If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.       Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.       Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.       Why do people say, 'you've been working like a dog' when dogs just sit around all day? (did they mean something else)

8.       Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.       Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.   Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

11.   Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

12.   What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

13.   If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is  made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No  comments)

14.   What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

15.   If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

16.   Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

17.   Why is it called a 'building' when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18.   If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

19.   If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i don't have a chance  to try)

20.   Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? (very nice)

21.   If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

22.   Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?    (stupid, break the law)

 

Auto Driver on the Global Crisis

A conversation between Two Chennai auto drivers while attending the Gandhi Jayanthi celebrations of their auto drivers association. Peter and Gopal.

Peter: Enna Gopal, did you hear about Walltax Road?

Gopal: No. Enna aachu? Accidentaa? Which auto was involved?

Peter: No, no, nothing like that. Walltax road crashed last week.

Gopal: Appadiyaa? I did not have a savaari near that road last 10 days. Which building? Was it that building being built by that doobaakoor company? Or did the road break in the middle?

Peter: Nothing like that. This Walltax Road is in America.

Gopal: No, Peter. I have regular savaari of foreigners. In America you have one Salem, one Madras but no Walltax Road. There is only a Wall Street in America.

 

Peter: Yes, I am talking about Wall Street only. The latest news is it is re-named as Walltax Road. President Bush renamed it because it is built by taxing the Americans.

Gopal: Oh. Like that aa? How did it crash? One more Bin Laden plane?

Peter: No, that was in 2001. This time, banks collapsed.

Gopal: Oh! Like our Madras finance companies 10-15 years back?

Peter: No. no. Much bigger. The banks took money from people and gave it as loan to other people for buying land and houses but the borrowers did not return the money.

Gopal: Oh, like Anubhav Plantation. So did the Bank manager get arrested?

Peter: Illaypaa. (No, boss). When the borrowers did not repay, the bank took the loan papers and sold it to someone else.

Gopal: Aahaa. Ippo namma route-ikku nee vandhutae. (Now you are coming to my route). Madras Motor Finance and various companies take over by P.Rajarathinam maathri. Must be Political party benami money.

Peter: Noo daa. The bank sold the papers to some one foreign company.

Gopal: Seri, seri. (OK, OK). Like our Sivasankaran. Like TN Mercantile Bank shares or Aircell-Maxis?

Peter: Dei Gopal. Ippaddi interfere senjaa (if you interfere like this), how can I tell you the complete story?

Gopal: OK paa. I will keep quiet. You tell your story. Anyway we have to stand till Chief Guest comes.

 

Peter: See, these banks first took money from people and then lend the money to others to buy houses. Then they read a report that house prices willo go up. So, these banks first accumulated the loan pepers and sold them to another for a profit. With this extra money, they borrowed some more money and gave it to others to buy more houses. Only problem, since all wealthy people already owned houses, the banks started lending money to unemployed people to own houses even though their income was not sufficient to repay the loan.

Gopal: Sorry, baa. You mean like the olden days Loan Mela of Minister Poojary? You know, my uncles got themselves pachai kutthufied (tatooed) with 2 leaves and got Rs.1,000 loan during MGR time? They were able to drink for one whole month from Government Kallu (toddy) shops.

Peter: Yes, yes, like that only. The difference is instead of giving money for drinking, they gave much more money enough to buy houses. These people who took this easy money then went and bought houses at very high prices without negotiating and then used further top up loans to buy electronic gadgets and costly cars. All this, when they were not getting any income to repay.

Gopal: Oh ho. Like how we get flats allotted under Kudisai Maatru Vaarium (Housing Scheme for lower Income people) and then give it to other people on lease.

Peter: You could say something like that. Only, this was at much higher amounts. It is like you and me (auto drivers) getting a loan to buy 3-bed room flats in Poes Garden which we cannot repay even for watchman salary.

Gopal: Yebbaa. Super Star second ponnai, balcony-le irundhu site adikalaam innu solu. (You can ogle at the 2nd daughter of Super Star - English translation for Super Star is not necessary since he is very famous!)

Peter: Yes, yes. At least for 3-4 months. Anyway, after that, the only people who can afford those houses are Indramma (Indra Nooyi) or Kalaignar's children or Sashikala. So, the bank which gave you the money in the first place can only ask you to get out of the house but cannot find new buyers to recover the loan. This type of loans were sold by the banks like how they sell "sundal" in Marina beach.

Gopal: Namma Readymoney type innu sollu. kadan vaangittu thiruppi thara mudiyallai. (After taking loan, not able to repay). Then you must be ready to put Dindigul Lock and Escaping. Aennna (why because), they will send rowdies to beat you up and you have to do self-suicide like poor GV (film producer and elder brother of Director Mani Rathnam).

Peter: That is the case in India. But in America, No. American government is arranging Anticipatory Bail for these banks for $700 billions. Using this money, the government will buy all these vethuu loan (loans worth nothing) and save the banks.

Gopal: Namma Indian Bank case ! What is there, afterall government owns Indian Bank and so put money from left pocket to right pocket.

Peter: No. no, Gopal. These American Banks are privately owned. American Government is not the owner. Their owners are very wealthy people.

Gopal: Adda Kabali (Holy Kabali, an important temple and theatre in neighbouring Mylapore and Mandaveli respectively) . The American Government arranges Bail even for this? The American Government will buy loans which are as worthless as Sundal packing paper in the beach? That too for private banks? Tell me, will they buy my old, damaged Auto? I want to become an auto owner and not be just a driver for autos owned by policemen (In Chennai, it is common practice for police constables to buy autos using their 2nd income and give it to drivers like Peter and Gopal for everyday use). But where is the American government getting the money for this?

Peter: From common citizens who did not take loans to buy houses they cannot afford. That is why it is now called Walltax Road in America.

Gopal: They are idiots or what? If our government asks our citizens to pay for banks' mistakes, they will say "Aasai, Dosai, Appalam, Vadai" (Desire, fried flat rice crepes, papad, fried rice and lentil fritters - translation for an international audience) and go for a massive oor valam (procession) and strike led by Prakash Karat and Mamatha Banerjee. In turns Kalaignar and Amma will go on relay fast in Anna Samadhi. Plus, Anbhumani will ban Vetrilai Seeval (betal leaves used in lieu of chewing gum in South India) and protest separately. Peter, tell me, will it not make sense to let these banks go bankrupt? After all, the people who make mistakes must pay for them, right? If I do the same in my house, my Appan (father) will drive me out of the house and I have to "escape" to avoid seruppu adi (being beaten with slippers).

Peter: Adhudaan illai (that's what is not happening). In America, it is election year for President and also their Parliament. So they quickly extended their Parliament session and passed the legislation after some mid-night drama. Taking houses away from millions of people is not a good idea if you want their votes.

Gopal: Oh, like that aa?

Peter: That's not the only thing. These banks did some interesting transactions like our brothers in Burma Bazaar - like selling shares which they did not have and then buying them when the price varied, hoping to make a profit but ending with massive losses.

Gopal: Ada Mupaathama (an important female deity in West Mamballam, frequented by auto drivers!). You know Peter, what this sounds like?

Peter: What does it sound like?

Gopal: Gandhi kannakku (Gandhi accounting - cannot be translated further). Chief Guest has come. Let us put flowers on Gandhi statue and have breakfast.

 

Entry to HEAVEN

Bunty died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Bunty thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

The Bunty replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc....."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

 

Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

 

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS

Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry, most of them are IAS Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Q. How many buckets of water does Pacific Ocean contains?

A : It depends on the size of the bucket. (CA Institute Campus Interview Placement)

Interviewer said 'I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.   Think well before you make up your mind!' The boy thought for a while and said, 'my choice is one really difficult question.'

'Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. 'What comes first, Day or Night?'

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on his answer, but he thought for a while and said, 'It's the DAY sir!'

'How' the interviewer asked,

'Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!'

He was selected for IIM!

 

The Parachute Jump

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure, "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary,"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane.

He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that darn truck won't be there either!"

 

The Secret of a Successful Marriage

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

 

Did God Make You?

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." 

 

Interesting Stuff

i.            In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

      ii.            Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

    iii.            Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

     iv.            Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

       v.            Coca-Cola was originally green.

     vi.            It is impossible to lick your elbow.

   vii.            Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

 viii.            The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

     ix.            The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

       x.            Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

     xi.            111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

   xii.            If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 xiii.            Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A.      Obsession

 xiv.            Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A.      One thousand

   xv.            Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A.      All were invented by women.

 xvi.            Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A.      Honey

xvii.            In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

xviii.            It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

 xix.            In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

   xx.            It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

 xxi.            Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

xxii.            At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!