Does that make SENSE

 

Now if you think of it,

it really makes sense.

Rational and sensible things

but you'll just laugh it off....kyun? Kyun?

Ain't all sensible things ought to be followed?? huh?

 

 1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…

 13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

 

really funny !!!

A father puts his three year old daughter to bed,

told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying

"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"



The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."



The next day grandpa died.






The father thought it was a strange coincidence.



A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers, which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."






The next day the grandmother died.



Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.





Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."






He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.




He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.



Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.






When he got home his wife said

"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"



He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."






She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.



He asked "What"??????





She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."

 

French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Importance of communication in organization...

Chinese Call center

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.......


From --
Good Wan! (Good One! )  :-))

 

Marriage But No Babies!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.

The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation,the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an EGG, I'm going to step on it!"

Marriage proposal

Madam :

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.  I am playing hardly also.
 Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.  Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.  That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.  If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.  What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.  That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.  In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me,  I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

 I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon
Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich,

born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab

Disorder In The Court/funny

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 _______________________________________________

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
 ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
 ________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

HOW SOFTWARE COMPANIES HIRE PEOPLE?

Cognizant Method :

 

Hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

 

give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .......

 

TCS method:

 

Hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary lion dies of hunger and frustration

 

IBM's metbod:

 

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour... he dies of unemployment...

 

Syntel Method:

 

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

 

MBT method:

 

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
Lion dies of the strain?

 

i-Flex method:

 

Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.

 

Polaris Method:

 

hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

 

Patni method:

 

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....

 

Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........!!!!

 

Accenture Method:

 

*Hire a lion.... **
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

 

New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

 

11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

 

10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

 

9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

 

8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

 

7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

 

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

 

5. Always scoot before licking.

 

4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

 

3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

 

2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

 

and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

 

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

__._,_.___

 

Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

 

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

 

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

 

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

 

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

 

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

 

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

 

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

 

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

 

Have a good laugh

Restaurant Humors.

 

Customer to Waiter:  How long have you been working here?

Waiter: Three months, Sir.

Customer: Oh! Then it could not have been you who took my order.

 

A man went to a restaurant for food.

The waiter brought him roasted tongue.

“No, no,” yelled the man.

I do not want tongue.  I do not want anything that comes from the mouth.

The waiter said nothing.  He went and brought him boiled eggs.

 

“Water, do you charge for gravy?”

No, Sir.

Do you charge for bread?

No, Sir,

Good I will have a bowl of gravy and some bread.

 

Cust: I have some Spinoti Vermicelli

Wait: Where did you see that?

Cust: On the menu

Wait: Oh, that is the name of the proprietor.

 

Hey, Waiter! How long will my pizza be?

We do not do long ones, Sir.

Only round.

 

Hey, Waiter this egg is bad!

Don’t blame me.  I only lay the table.

 

There is a dead beetle in my soup!

Yes, Sir, They are not very good swimmers

 

In a Hong Kong café, at 3 a.m., the last guest was sleeping at his table.

The housekeeper said to the proprietor,  “I have seen you shake that old fool and wake him up five times.  Why do not you make him go home?”

Nothing doing, answered the proprietor, every time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it.”

 

THE FOUR CATS

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ...........Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

ate the cookies..... ......... .

drank the milk........ ......

sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!

 

confidence trust and hope

CONFIDENCE:
 
1 Day all villagers decided to pray for rain.

On the day of prayer all people gathered & only one boy come with umbrella. THAT'S CONFIDENCE.
 

TRUST:
 
Trust should be like feeling of a 1 year old baby, when you throw him in the air, he laughs....

Because he knows you will catch him....
 

HOPE:
 
Every night we go to bed, have no assurance to get up alive in the next morning

But still we have many plans for coming day...

 
KEEP CONFIDENCE, TRUST IN GOD AND NEVER LOSE HOPE... 

When we are down .......just look at these for Thinking Positive

Think Positive !!


This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't
always manage to do.


I am thankful...

1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep
with me and not with someone else.



2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes,
because that means she is at home & not on the streets.



3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.


4. For the mess to clean afte r a party because it means that I have
been surrounded by friends.


5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.


6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the
sunshine.


7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning
because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means that we have freedom of speech.


9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.


10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means
that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been capable of working hard.


13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am still alive.


AND FINALLY ....... for received e-mails because it means I have friends who are thinking of me, at least.

 

 

water vs alchohl

Water vs. Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one
litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia
Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,
gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because
alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who
are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been
scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for
you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk
shit than to drink water and be full of it.

 

GUys profiles from matrimonial siTes :: funny ```

1) I am a modern kinda guy, with lots of friends. I love to eat out and own gadgets. I love reading and music(rock n pop) . I like movies but not too much. I have always been called a nice guy but have a short temper to match. I have a lot of girls as friends too so basically need a broad minded girl. I am basically an achiever and been a topper for most of my life. passd out of VIT, vellore.. other credits under my belt are... GRE 1420,NTSE 24th rank,physics olympiad 5th, ranked YSC 3 years in a row..one paper published in crossroads mag. and 2 papers presented, one ongoing project on embedded systems and Pattern
 Recognition, CAT 99.20 overall pecentile. I am still studyin.. (MS) and hopefully would like to do a PHD and settle down. 
I like a girl, who is a good conversationalist, has definitive views, intelligent and speaks atleast 3 languages. She has got to have abroad mind, and should have an interest in spendin money and enjoyin herself. A dedicated girl, who remembers her husband during any crisis. 
(dude diz must be a  matrimonial profile it seems like a job profile)

2)iam simple and traditional i am cool hearted adjestable person with every one iam expecting my partner should be in joint family only and she should not go for the individual I Want to Marry Only Telugu Lady ( 16 Anala Telugu Ammaye ) I dont Know How to Say This Word In English Oky. And Also Dareness lady , After marry she should do job (r) not her openion . 
(now what does Darness lady mean tel me???????)

 3)I am gratful to you.. I completed pg. my family members are liberal. i have two sisters. they are married. I am sensitive and good manner. friendly with allmy family. she is liberal. looking good. she maintain good friends with my family friends and good communication skills. she is good looking.
(why is he grateful to me??? ?)

4)hi iam i real estate person i like combind family and iam also compitative person. and idont like smoke and drinking habbits. i am respectable person.i want good and traditional girl and . so first i do make good friend becuase good friends become agood life partners. so i want friendly person. no religion feelings
(no feelings)

5)I am a Masters in Computer Science and Information Systems from the US.I used to hold an H1B visa.
(WOW i didn't knew that i used to keep my visa in cupboard!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!)

6)Iam very simple human being, have goals and big dreams. i feel am smartworking and encouraging person , enjoying life happily with friends and daily one movie and am very friendly to all. playing computer games and watching cricket gives me refreshment. simple girl( girl next door), good looking, talkative,clever, my dreamgirl 1) fair 2) mole on lips 3) long hair 4) one extra teeth 5) honey/blue eyes .
(man if u like girl nxt door marry her  why bother us.......... )

7)Iam very liberal ,idon't hurt any body until i heart by oppnent,iwould like to extend my hand up to my capacity who ever is try to do something to society,i will n't be supporting who ever taking advantage of my attitude, iwln't take step back to kill such animals,by assuming these don't think that iam a criminal. we don't have any kind of criminal back ground from our family .
(wow rubber man!!!!!!!!! )

8)I am a person of my kind. I expect She is beautiful and should have soft mentality. I love my parents very much. I am a good person and never make her to feel bad anytime and I want the same from her. I want her to love my parents as I do.
 (one of the special species????? ??? may be jadoooo)

9)hai this is srinivas . my hobbies are playing sports & swimming. my favourate colour is lime yellow . i like hurrer movies. my favourate dish is cainise . i am doing business . 
(ya dude even v all like  hurrer movies errrrrrrrrr horror movies;now any one plz tel me wat is a dish called cainise)

10)hai i am seshu kumar .i am from andhra pradesh.i known hindi and english languages.in my home and all are friends called as chinni.i had two sisters n married allso , i am only single person. i am little smart looking . i belive god and i give more importance to hindu traditonal values . i am very straight forward. 
 (he and god r frnds, GOD TUSSI GREAT HO!!!!!!!!)

Laws That India Lives by.....

1. The Other Side Law:
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.

2. The No Queue Rule:

If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.

3. The Mind Over Matter Law:

If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.

4. The Auto Axiom:

If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.

5. The In Spit Of Thing:

The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.

6. The Cinema Hall Fact:

If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.

7. The Brotherhood Law:

If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.

8. The Baraat/ Marriage Right:

When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.

9. The Heart Of Things:

If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my mal-deformed chest into the depths of my soul.

10. The Name Game:

It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.

11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:

When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.

12. The Chill Bill Move:

When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.

13. The Ogling Stare:
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.

14. The Bus Law:

If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.

15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 3 important persons in this city -Me, I, Myself !

Safe Instant Messaging - Ten tips to protect yourself while chatting online

Safe Instant Messaging

Ten tips to protect yourself while chatting online

 

Just like e-mail, instant messaging (IM) also poses security threats. In some ways, the threats are more severe in this case, because to use instant messaging, you have to bypass any firewall that you've installed on your machine. This means that potential threats, such as viruses, worms or Trojans already have a door that opens to your computer through the firewall. What's more, they also have a readymade list of your friends which they can use for further infection and propagation.

 

For instance, you could receive a message with a URL from a trusted source, while the URL may lead you to a Web page that contains malicious code, such as a Trojan. Within minutes, the URL will be sent from your instant message ID to your buddy list, with all your friends assuming that you've sent the link. If you or any of them click the URL, an infection is guaranteed. The same thing can also happen through file transfers, where the attachment may contain a Trojan, virus, or worm, or a combination of these.

 

Such malicious code can make a lot of mischief on your machine, such as stealing passwords and other personal information, using your machine in denial of service attacks, configuring your hard disk to share all your files, and so on.

 

It's essential, therefore, to be very careful while using instant messaging. Here are some things you can do for your protection.

 

• Speak only to known people
  Instant messaging should ideally be used only to speak to people who are on your Contacts list. Making contact with a stranger over chat is fraught with risks, as you don't know the other person's intentions or why he or she wants to chat with you. Chatting in public rooms also pose a similar risk. When you receive chat invitations, you should be careful of who you add to your contacts or friends or buddy list. Add only those people whom you know well and trust; and accept invitations to be added to the contacts' or friends' lists of only such people.
   
• Be wary of links and downloads
  If you receive an image, link or other files over IM, first confirm that they are from someone you trust. You should never download anything or click a link sent by strangers. The second step is to confirm with the senders if they have sent anything—if it's a malicious file or link that used the sender's ID to propagate itself, your friend won't know anything about it.
   
• Be secretive of personal information
  You should not give your name or email ID in areas such as public chat rooms. It's also advisable not to disclose personal information such as telephone numbers, passwords, bank account or credit card numbers in IM conversations, even if you're talking to someone you know. Most IM service providers don't ask you for personal information. So, if you get a message professing to be from the service provider and asking you to 'verify' your ID or password, you can be sure that it's fake and a security threat. Ignore such messages.
   
• Create good screen names
  Ideally, your screen name for IM should not give out personal information like your name or email ID. Using a nickname is much safer.
   
• Be careful on public computers
  If you use IM at a cyber café, don't use the option of logging on automatically. Otherwise, your information will be visible to people who use the computer after you.
   
• Never respond to unsolicited messages
  If someone is sending you unsolicited chat invitations or messages, you should not respond to them. Most IM applications give you the option to block senders—use that.
   
• Advise your children about IM security
  Ensure that your children are safe while using IM. Advise them against responding to unsolicited messages, giving out personal information, and downloading files over IM. Speak to them about the threats of using IM and how they can use it safely.
   
• Download and install updates
  Be sure to download and install any security updates provided by your IM service provider. These will help to plug any security loopholes in the application.
   
• Avoid using IM at work
  Using IM applications at work puts not only you, but the entire corporate network at risk for infection. That's because most IM applications open a way through firewalls, which is risky. Therefore, try not to use IM at work, unless your employer has a corporate IM solution, policy and security measures in place.
   
• Use encryption on corporate networks
  If a corporate wants to use IM, an instant-messaging application that enables encryption should be used. Several providers have such applications for corporate use. In addition, users should be aware of the security risks, and the corporate security policy should involve keeping IM logs to detect suspicious activity.

Short Tips: Windows XP/Vista

1. Add a shortcut to a file in the Start menu

You can add shortcuts for frequently used files to your Start menu. Browse to the file name that you want to add; drag it to the Start button and hold for a while. When the Start menu opens, drag the file to where you want to create the shortcut and drop it. You'll see the shortcut icon appear.

2. Sort your files using the Details view

To search for or sort files within a particular folder, open the folder, click View and then Details. Your files will be listed with the details—name, date modified, size, and type—in columns. You can sort the files by clicking any column heading once (for newest to oldest) or twice (oldest to newest). You can then quickly locate the file you're searching for.

3. Add details to music, pictures, and videos

When you save music, pictures, and videos to your Windows XP computer, the Details view of that folder shows certain columns by default. To sort or search for files within this folder, you can add more columns to the Details view. Click View and then Details. Right-click any column heading and click More. Click the checkbox against the details you want to add and click Move Up or Move Down to fix their location in the Details view. Click OK.

4. Increase text clarity in Windows XP

You can adjust display settings so that on-screen text looks clearer to you. Right-click on the Desktop and click Properties. A dialog box will open; click the Appearance tab and the Effects button. Ensure that the checkbox against 'Use the following method to smooth edges of screen fonts' is selected. Then, click the down arrow under this option and select ClearType. Click OK and then click OK again to close the dialog box. You'll find most fonts clearer and easier to read with this.

5. Customize the buttons available on toolbars in Windows XP

You can add or remove buttons from toolbars available in some programs. Right-click the toolbar and click Customize. The Customize Toolbar dialog box opens—you can add, remove, or rearrange the buttons from here. Click Close when you're done.

6. Use the Quick Launch Toolbar

The Quick Launch bar is located to the right of the Start button and contains shortcuts to your frequently used programs. To display the Quick Launch bar, right-click the taskbar at the bottom of the screen, point to Toolbars, and click Quick Launch. Now, you can click the shortcuts on this bar to access your favorite programs.

7. Search the Control Panel in Windows Vista

If you're having trouble locating the various options in the redesigned Control Panel, type what you're looking for in the Search box of the panel. For instance, if you want to change sounds, type 'sounds' in the Search box. The search results will display the required options for you.

8. Resize the Quick Launch Toolbar

If you want to see all the programs on the Quick Launch bar, right-click the taskbar (the horizontal bar at the bottom of the screen) and click 'Lock the taskbar' to uncheck it. You will now see some handle marks appear on the edges of the Quick Launch bar. Drag the handle on the right to adjust the size of this bar.

9. Add or remove programs on the Quick Launch Toolbar

To remove a program from the Quick Launch Toolbar, right-click the Toolbar, select the icon of the program, and click Delete. Select Yes when asked for confirmation. To add a program, click its icon in the Start menu or on the Desktop and drag it to the Quick Launch Toolbar.

10. Add a toolbar to the taskbar

You can add many toolbars to the taskbar at the bottom of your screen. Right-click an empty area of the taskbar and click Toolbars. Click the toolbar that you'd like to add. Click New Toolbar if you want to add a toolbar for a folder on your computer.

He vs sHe in Office

He vs s He in Office :)

How the company views its employees. (HE vs SHE)


1. The family picture is on HIS desk.                                                        
   Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

   The family picture is on HER desk.
   Umm, her family will come before her career.


2. HIS desk is cluttered.
   He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

   HER desk is cluttered.
   She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain


3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
   He must be discussing the latest deal

   SHE is talking with her co-workers.
   She must be gossiping.


4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.

   SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.


5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.

   SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.


6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.

   SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.


7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.

   The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.


8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?

   SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?


9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.

   SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?


10 . HE's leaving for a better job.
     He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

     SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!


HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE:I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!


HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!


HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!


HE: I think I could make you very happy…
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!


HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
 
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.


HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
 
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
 
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator..

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.