Pope and Mallus

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Mallus had to
leave Italy

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Mallu community.So the Pope
made a deal

He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mallu community

If the Mallu won, the Mallu could stay. If the Pope won, the Mallus
would leave.

The Mallus realized that they had no choice. So they asked
Sreesanth to represent them .Sreesanth asked for one additional
condition to the debate

To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The
Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came .Sreesanth and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Sreesanth looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Sreesanth  pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Sreesanth  pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Mallus
can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him
what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy
trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
One God common to both our religions.

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us.

He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also
right here with us.

Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from
our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Mallu community had crowded around Sreesanth.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Sreesanth, "First he said to me that the Mallus had three
days to get out of here.

I told him not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Mallus.

I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Sreesanth,

"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!

Yenjoyy !!

 

 

 

29 Completely Useless Facts!

29 Completely Useless Facts!

1. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!
4. What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.
5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.
8. There is a place called Rome on every continent.
9. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
10. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was, throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.
11. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London
12. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!
13. One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!
14. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man.
15. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
16. The present population of 6.6 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 11 billion by 2080.
17. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
18. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
19. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.
20. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
21. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!
22. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
23. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.
24. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!
25. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
26. Slugs have 4 noses.
27. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!
28. The average person laughs 10 times a day!
29. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 

Relatives- and their Perceptions

Relation	In India	Outside India
Mother-in-law	A woman capable of making your life miserable.	A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free ?
Husband	A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.	Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
Friend	A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.	A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
Wife	A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.	A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
Son	A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.	A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
Daughter	A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.	A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.
Father	A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .	A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
Indian Engineer	A person with a respectable job and earning lots.	A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
Doctor	A respectable person with OK income.	A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called 'doctor's wife'.
Bhangra	A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.	A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
Software Engineer	A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.	The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or whenever)'every year.
A Green Card holder bachelor	the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.	the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW

 

How Indian mind works

NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA

 

 

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

 

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"?

The Indian replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".

 

 

 

*Ah, the mind of the Indian... *

 


*This is why India is shining *

 

Permission Granted

She sees a cute guy across the room and asks her friends, “Should I go talk to him?”  Yes!  Go!

 

She turns around gazing at herself in the dressing room mirror.  “What do you think?  Should I buy it?  It’s more than I was going to spend.”  Yes!  You look awesome in that dress!

 

She hears about a new position opening up in another department and asks her coworkers over lunch, “What do you think?  Should I apply for it?”  Yes!  Do it!

 

Why do so many of us ask permission in life?  Why do we need outside approval to make us feel that it is okay to go after our dreams?  It seems like so many of us feel a little guilty, selfish, or arrogant if we give ourselves permission to make big bold moves towards our goals.  It is as if the inner critic is asking, “Just who do you think you are?”  We need our friends to play the role of cheerleaders and we need them to give us permission to aspire to more.  If someone else gives me permission, then I’ll go ahead and do it!

 

Personal growth is getting to that point in life where you are your own cheerleader; you give yourself permission to dream big and to go after those dreams.  There will always be a place in our hearts for dear friends that cheer us on, but knowing that you do not NEED them in order to go after your goals is a powerful thing.  Sometimes our friends are busy, out of town, or simply unaware of our needs.  You cannot hold yourself back just because there is nobody around to give you permission to move forward.

 

Did Amelia Earhart need to ask permission?  Did Harriet Tubman ask permission?  Did Hillary Clinton ask permission?  Did Margaret Thatcher ask permission?  Did Cher or Madonna ask permission?  Did Susan B Anthony ask permission?  Did Oprah or Ellen ask permission?  The history books are full of women who did great things, entertaining things, fun things, and sometimes very important and controversial things without ever asking permission first.

 

And the world is full of everyday women that you will never read about in the papers, they will never be famous, they are mothers, employees, sisters, business owners, daughters, and everything else imaginable.  And they do small things, big things, brave things, and adventurous things all of the time without asking permission first.  Sometimes they fail and sometimes they succeed.  They grow, they learn from their mistakes, they inspire others, and they are our everyday heroes.  Why not you?  Why shouldn’t you be one of those brave women who say, “Why not?” when an opportunity presents itself?

 

What is it that you need to have happen before you can give yourself permission to be happy, successful, funny, sexy, or whatever else you are waiting for?  Do you need somebody to come along and give you permission to be wonderful?  Do you need to practice giving yourself permission on a few small issues first?  Maybe practice saying, “Yes, I can” on some relatively unimportant topics first?  Then as you grow more self-assured, you can give yourself permission to go after some small dreams, then some bigger dreams?  Do you need to give yourself permission to fail and to be less than perfect once in awhile so that you won’t feel bad if things don’t work out every single time?  Do you need someone to anoint you as “good enough” first and then you will believe it and start giving yourself permission to take chances and go after your dreams?

 

Start by giving yourself permission to screw up.  Then move on to giving yourself permission to succeed once in a while.  After that, it gets much easier; most of our efforts fall somewhere in between.  As you begin to succeed more often, you will get braver and it won’t be so difficult to take chances and to try new things. 

 

What if nobody ever gives you permission?  Will you regret it years from now when you are an old woman?  Will you beat yourself up for waiting around for someone else to give you permission?  Will you be okay with NEVER living out your dream because you waited for someone else to deem you worthy of achieving it?  Don’t you owe it to yourself to at least try?

 

What if nothing bad happens?  What if it turns out okay and you really had no reason to be afraid of taking a chance after all?  What if you got yourself all worked up over nothing?  What if you stopped yourself from going after your dreams and they were completely obtainable?  What if your fears were not based in reality?  What if behind the scenes, things were really much easier than you assumed?

 

And more importantly, what if you are fabulous?  What if you were meant to be clever, sassy, inspirational, or brilliant?  What if you were meant to succeed and role model confidence and a “can-do” attitude for your friends, your daughters, your sister, or your mother?  What if they are waiting to see if you succeed before taking their own frightening first steps towards their goals and dreams?  What if you were meant to be amazing? 

 

What if your gift somehow makes the world a better place?  What if your small success is a stepping-stone for someone else who is about to do something magnificent?  What if he is your prince charming and nobody is around to give you permission to walk up to him and introduce yourself?  What if that dress is just the thing to give you more confidence and nobody is around to give you permission to splurge on yourself?  What if you are the best person for the job and nobody knows it because you have been playing small and unimportant?  Why not you?  Why ask permission?  Why wait for outside approval?  What if it is exhilarating?!

 

Too Busy for a friend

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

 

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

 

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

 

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

 

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much," were most of the comments.

 

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

 

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

 

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

 

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

 

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

 

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

 

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

 

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

 

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary"

 

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists"

 

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

 

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

 

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

 

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

 

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

 

If you're "too busy" to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

 

The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

And you thought u could fool ur kid???

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
 

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."
 

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
 

"Matt's riding a new bike..."
 

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
 

"Jason is on his skate board..."
 

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
 

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
 

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle

 

The intelligent one!

An Indian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells
the loan officer that he is going to be in India on business tour for two weeks or
so and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the
loan. So the Indian hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The
loan officer agrees to accept the car as a collateral.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a loan of $5,000. An employee of the bank
then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Indian returns. Repays the loan of $5,000 and the interest, which
is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have business done with you and
this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multi millionaire man in
New York city . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"?

Indian replies with smile. "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be safe when I return'"

 

Remember.......

While Dad was polishing his new car,
his four-yr old son picked up a stone
& scratched lines on the side of the car.
 
In his anger,
Dad took the child's hand
& hit it many times,
not realizing he was using a wrench,
 
At the hospital,
his child said, "Dad, when will my fingers grow back?".
 
Dad was so hurt.
He went back to the car
and kicked it a lot of times.
Sitting back,
he looked at the scratches.
His child wrote: "I LOVE YOU DAD".
 
ANGER & LOVE have no limits ..............
we never realise when we hurt some one...
 
its easy hurting ...
and its easy forgiving
but its very hard to forget.....
for the one who's hurt...!!!!
 
When ever you are angry remember this ........

genx children

There is a classroom of some small children (5-7yrs),

with a genius boy ( Bablu ) and a smart one (Pappu).

The dialogue between the two and the teacher goes something like this:

Bablu: "Teacher, teacher! Is Bus male or female?

Teacher : Thinking.......

Pappu: "Teacher, teacher! It is female"

Bablu : "Kyon?"

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain."

Teacher is pareshan. While Bablu gets in doubt.

Bablu: "Agar bus female hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to uske bacche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is more pareshan.

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab us par peeche se chadte hain."

Teacher is now hiding her face.Bablu gets another doubt.

Bablu: "Maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain, but driver aur conductor to aagay se chadte hain. Phir bachche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is sweating as it is getting too much to handle.

Pappu replies : "Kyon ki woh dono topi pehanke chadte hain."

Teacher faints !!!!!!!

Hardware shopping!!!!

Bobby was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Ann Marie to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Ann Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Joey,  the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

  When Joey was finished, Ann Marie asked how much for the teapot.

    Joey replied, 'That's silver and it costs $100!'

   'My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!' Ann Marie exclaimed.

    Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy, and Joey went to the back room to find it.

   From the back room Joey yelled, 'Ann Marie, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
    Ann Marie replied, 'No, but I will for the teapot.'

  This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

 

Management and appraisal

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.



Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.



Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". He replied "1947" and
passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000
or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
' '
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.


Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE.  

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY  

 

 

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly…

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet…

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it…

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick…
 

One of the best interviews!! !

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6..

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to OUR COMPANY .. :-))

 

Murphy's laws on girls

This is for everyone…so take some time and read on….
Murphy's laws on girls…..

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm
that

2. the nicer she is…the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks…

4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5%
would always be in your college."……………..100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her
brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will
let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends
with you.

8. Theory of relativity……
The more u run towards a hot chick….the more she goes away from u…

9. Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone… just when you are about to let her know
about your feelings…she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from
Kumbh ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1:
The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private
chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a
handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1:
The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before
Things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you
will be the day when-

·         You are dressed badly

·         You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your
life

·         Have a bad hair day

11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go

around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.

12. the more seriously u like a girl…the more seriously her dad
will hate u

13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to
the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you

 

Engineering Definitions

1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

 

2. Construction Manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

 

3. Controls Manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).

 

4. Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

 

5. Section Engineer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

 

6. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

 

7. Engineering are still figuring out how to produce a baby.

 

8. Procurement buy condoms by mistake.

 

9. Planning Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

 

10 DCG Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

 

11. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

 

12. Site Engineers don't care...they just want the woman!!

 

Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

 

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.


Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.


Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.


Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.


Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .


Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.


Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.


Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.


Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".


Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

 

SALTY COFFEE

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.. Suddenly he asked the waiter:
 
"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."
 
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it.
 
She asked him curiously: why you have this hobby?
 
He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".
 
While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.
 
That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home.. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.

That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him!
 
Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.
 
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.

I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..
 
Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
 
Her tears made the letter totally wet.
 
Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? It's sweet. She replied.

**********

Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive

Not 2 c but 2 understand

Not 2 hear but 2 listen

Not 2 let go but HOLD ON !!!!