Some humor before the markets open!!
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's
Friday, December 19, 2008
US finance humor
Elderly People Jokes
An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
------------ --------- --------- -------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
------------ --------- --------- -------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------ --------- --------- -------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'
------------ --------- --------- -------
A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so you don't forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
------------ --------- --------- -------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
------------ --------- --------- -------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
------------ --------- --------- -------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
------------ --------- --------- -------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.''
------------ --------- --------- -------
One more !
------------ --------- --------- -------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
------------ --------- --------- -------
Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other
folks you know who could use a good laugh....... .
Friday, December 12, 2008
laughter
Many years ago, Norman Cousins was diagnosed as terminally ill. He was given six months to live. His chance for recovery was one in 500.
He could see the worry, depression and anger in his life contributed to, and perhaps helped cause, his disease. He wondered, If illness can be caused by negativity, can wellness be created by positivity He decided to make an experiment of himself.
Laughing was one of the most positive activities he knew. He rented all the funny movies he could find - Keaton, Chaplin, Fields, the Marx Brothers. (This was before VCRs, so he had to rent the actual films.) He read funny stories. He asked his friends to call him whenever they said, heard or did something funny.
His pain was so great he could not sleep. Laughing for 10 solid minutes, he found, relieved the pain for several hours so he could sleep. He fully recovered from his illness and lived another 20 happy, healthy and productive years. (His journey is detailed in his book, Anatomy of an Illness.) He credits visualization, the love of his family and friends, and laughing for his recovery.
Some people think laughing is a waste of time. It is a luxury, they say, a frivolity, something to indulge in only every so often. Nothing could be further from the truth. Laughing is essential to our equilibrium, to our well-being, to our aliveness. If we're not well, laughing helps us get well; if we are well, laughing helps us stay that way.
Since Cousins' ground-breaking subjective work, scientific studies have shown that laughter has a curative effect on the body, the mind and the emotions. So, if you like laughing, consider it sound medical advice to indulge in it as often as you can. If you don't like laughter, then take your medicine - laugh anyway.
Use whatever makes you laugh - movies, sitcoms, Monty Python, records, books, New Yorker cartoons, jokes, friends.
Give yourself permission to laugh - long and loud and out loud - whenever anything strikes you as funny. The people around you may think you're strange, but sooner or later they'll join in even if they don't know what you're laughing about.
Some diseases may be contagious, but none is as contagious as the cure. . . laughter.
If Titanic was made in India
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain
3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip
5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.
And last but not least
7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Best 50 of Murphy's Law
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Explanations............ (Good Jokes)
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Non-veg Again - Not to miss
Q : What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: Who is a gynecologist ?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"
Last but not least
Secret of long life...
Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs..