Fiancee's Mother

Dear friend Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive [read Hot!] but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.

I headed straight out the front door...............
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

 

Embarrassment

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?

 

 

*I was at the golf store

Comparing different kinds

of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type

I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached

by one of the good- looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if

he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him

and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

 

 

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed

by a store that sold a variety of candy

and nuts. As we were looking at

the display case, the boy behind

the counter asked if we needed

any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically,

the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never

let me forget.

 

 

 

*Have you ever asked your child

a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot

of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell

for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining

room. While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not

asked to go potty in a while,

so I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child

has had an accident, and I don't

have any clothes with me."

Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't

have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that

he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up,

yanked down his pants, bent over

and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to

death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and

sat down.

An old couple made me feel better

by thanking me for the best laugh

they'd ever had!

 

 

 

*This had most of the state of

Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female

news anchor who will, in the future,

likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict

snow but don't get any?

A true story. We had a female

news anchor who, the day after

it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8
inches

you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave

the set, but half the crew did too!

 

 

While on a flight from New York ,

the Stewardess was busy passing

out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights

lined up waiting to get clearance

to take off.

Then the other Stewardess got a

message from the Pilot that the

tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in

line to take off, and to have

everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced

"Please buckle up, grab your drinks

and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".

No one saw her for the rest of the

flight to Houston, and all the other

Stewardesses were laughing

all the way and so were half of

the passengers.

 

 

Now, didn't that feel good ?

Pass it on to someone

you know who needs

a good laugh

Is Life Fair?

God created the donkey and said to him.
'You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset

carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have

no intelligence and you will live 50 years.'

The donkey answered: 'I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much.

Give me only 20 years'
God granted his wish.
*******
God created the dog and said to him:
'You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. '

The dog answered: 'Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.'
God granted his wish.
*******

God created the monkey and said to him:
'You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. '

The monkey answered: 'To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years.'
God granted his wish.
*******

Finally God created man ... and said to him:
'You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.'
*******

Man responded: 'Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,

 give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog

did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.'
God granted man's wish
*******

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating

whatever is given to him, so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another

doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life. Is'nt it ??????????

 

 

only a genious can solve it... can u???

The Brit lives in a red house.
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house in on the immediate left of the white house.
the green house owner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
The man living in the house right in the middle drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blend lives next door to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps horses lives next door to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
The German Smokes Prince.
The Norwegian lives next to the blue House.
The man who smokes Blend has a neighbour who drinks water.
WHO OWNS THE FISH??__._,_.___

 

Mental Hospital (A Joke)!!!!

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom &

stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

 

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

 

 

On Marriage

 

On Marriage

Pessimistic views: :
Marriage is a gamble!
Marriage is a punishment;
Marriage is an evil that
Most can't but accept.

Optimistic views:
Marriage is a gift of God;
Marriage is a blessing;
Marriage is an enjoyment,
We make the best of it.

Truths:
Marriage is so wonderful;
Marriage is so fulfilling;
Marriage is so wholesome;
Marriage is an endless love,
More priceless than all wealth!

Marriage is a way of life;
Marriage is so natural;
Marriage is the better way,
For two, to reach Heaven.

How to catch a lion

Newton 's Method:

 

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

 

Einstein Method:

 

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

 

Software Engineer Method:

 

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

 

Indian Police Method:

 

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

 

Rajnikanth Method :

 

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

 

Jayalalitha Method:

 

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

 

Manirathnam Method (director):

 

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark

room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

 

Karan Johar Method (director):

 

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

 

Yash Chopra method (director):

 

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

 

Govinda method:

 

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

 

Menaka Gandhi method:

 

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

 

George bush method:

 

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!